Well, Memorial Day is over, and it's back to work for everyone. I am in one of those moods where I feel like I am walking on very thin ice, but I have to keep walking anyway. Rent and bills are due soon, and I am entirely relying on divine intervention once again. I am still working on working, trying to trim down that piled-up in-box, and that is stressful too. I have been having some odd health issues the last few days, like nasty sinusy/throaty stuff, heart palpitations/flutters, and headaches and something I call "thud-head," which is this weird dull feeling in my frontal cranium; I'm not sure what's going on or if it will pass.
Survivor is over, so I have no favorite TV show to look forward to to break up my week. I was not at all careful or good on Memorial Day, so I know my weigh-in tomorrow will be nightmarish at best. For all these reasons, I am feeling quite Mondayish on this Tuesday. Those who know me and my Eeyore personality know that feeling Mondayish is not really anything new for me, but today, I'm just sort of down in the dumps and worried about a lot of things that I can't control or immediately fix.
I know God has not given us a spirit of fear. Thus, it only stands to reason that fear has to come from somewhere else. It is drummed up either by me, myself, or the enemy. My guess is a little of both. I am a woman of faith, and I know God will take care of me in the way that is best for me. Time and time again, He has proven to me that Cissy and I will be okay, one way or another. Even when I was about as prodigal as a girl can get, He took care of me and sent miracles and provision and safety into my life when I least deserved it. When I fail, which is almost daily, He helps me clean up the messes I make. In the darkest, scariest moments, when I am certain that I am at the end of my rope or my life, He has allowed me to survive and even to learn from it. He has worked things out in mysterious ways that I never could have imagined or expected. He has taken the wheel when I simply cannot drive anymore or when I've taken so many detours that I have no idea how to get back on the road. I know all of this, and I believe it wholeheartedly, but if there is one thing I have trouble conquering, it is fear and worry.
Today, I am fearful and worried on many fronts, everything from money to work to my health.There is not a single catastrophic event that has caused this. It is merely a Tuesday, and I know other people in the world are going through much more horrendous things than the challenges of my everyday life, but I have never been one to handle even small burdens well. What I want most of all is peace of mind, but I have trouble finding it, even though I ultimately have faith that God will take care of me. It is as if there is a wall that blocks me from peace and joy, and even though I try to tear down that wall and stop building it up, I still cannot seem to destroy it and let that peace and joy in. Every worry, great or small, seems huge. I know I have anxiety problems, and these greatly run in my family, but it is hard to concentrate on life and work and joy, to just keep swimming, when I feel like at any moment, a shark or some unexpected thing is going to reach up and grab me by the ankles and pull me under. I know, I know. "Don't worry. Be happy." Bobby McFerrin sang that stupid song back in 1980-whatever, and it was good advice. I know I am supposed to put my big-girl panties on (figuratively, as I already threw out all my real ones) and just deal with it. I know I'm supposed to remember that David killed Goliath and that Job survived all his chaos and that Paul was able to sing even in prison. I know all this, and I wake up with good intentions every day of being strong and brave in whatever I have to face. I have a morning mantra I tell myself every day, one I made up years and years ago, a little request for the good Lord: "Whatever I have to do today, I know You'll help me do it. Whatever comes my way today, I know You'll help me through it." I know all this, and I believe all of it, yet by the time I am putting my egg plate in the sink, I'm already quivering in fear over this, that, or the other. Maybe an email upsets me. Maybe a heart flutter in my chest has me thinking I'm going to die by dinnertime. Maybe I glance through my bills file and realize there is no earthly way I can pay for the things I have to pay for - pesky things like food, electricity, and rent. Whatever it is, any resolve I have when the alarm clock goes off is long gone by the time I finish my first cup of coffee, in spite of my faith.
I know it is not right to worry so much. I know I need to get a grip, to trust, to just "let go and let God," but at 44, I have yet to figure out how to do that. I go to bed worried at night and wake up worried in the morning, be it about rent or my work or some dreaded disease that is going to destroy me before I can tie up any loose ends. I pray constantly for myself in this, but if you can spare a prayer today, that I could somehow conquer my inner bogeymen, please pray for me. I know faith and worry do not go hand in hand, so please pray that I will have the strength to let my faith tear down that nasty wall that has me feeling so Eeyore all the time.
So sorry I didn't get a chance to read this a couple days ago! Oh Autie, I know those feelings so well. I lived with them, like you, at about the same age you are now. And, look! I am OLD now and God did, indeed, take care of everything, and still is. I can see Him working in your life in ways, I am sure, you can't see right now. But, He is there, and He is in control--just patiently waiting for you to take your shaking hands off the steering wheel. I know it is the scariest thing you will ever do in your life, but when you do, He will show you so many wonderful things that he is just waiting to do for you. Even Jesus had to tell the enemy, "Get thee behind me, Satan." So, you are in good company. Every time you feel like you can't deal with it any more, just say the same thing, and keep going. If it helps, shout it out loud! When you have said it often enough, just keep saying it. I won't tell you that your troubles will disappear when you do, but you will feel better about them--for a while. Then repeat as needed!
ReplyDeleteSweetie, you are such an inspiration and an encouragement to me, and many other people who haven't even told you. Hang in there, baby, and I promise, one of these days, it will get better. May not be today or tomorrow, but one of these days, when you finally quit trying to run the show, it will happen.
Sue, this brought tears to my eyes (which isn't really that hard, because I'm a bawl baby, but still!) THANK YOU for these kind and encouraging words. I'm not really a control freak (I don't think), but I always want to take care of everything right now and get it over with, and I'm not so good about that "sit still and see how the matter falls" business. I have to remind myself often that in this big chess game of life, I'm not the one moving the pieces around the board, and the One moving my pawn is destined to win anyway! When rent is due, the washer is making a weird noise, my in-box is overflowing, I'm not feeling physically well, the yard and the house need tending to, the car grows rustier every day, and bills keep popping up in the mail, I get very frightened and confused and overwhelmed as to what to take care of first and how, and life has always been difficult for me to handle. Throw in extra stuff like sick loved ones and trying to tie up a divorce and getting my young woman of a daughter situated for a future of her own, and I'm a bit of a mess. I'm sure forty-something hormones and a general tendency toward major anxiety do not help, and I've always been a bit too...emotional. I know God is on my side, though, and on the days when everything seems to heavy, that makes all the difference! It also helps to have good, encouraging friends like you. THANK YOU for your words and your prayers, my friend. They mean the world to me.
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