Learning to Fan-Girl

I am not someone who thinks too highly of herself. Some might think that even saying that makes me a bit arrogant, but the truth is that I am personally not a huge fan of Autumn Conley. I really never have been, and I get so angry at myself on a daily basis for this, that, or the other that there have been times when I wish I could just walk away and leave myself behind. I am sure if we are being honest, we all feel this way sometimes, and some people feel this self-annoyance more often than others. Most of the time, I want to punch mirrors.

Earlier this year, I tried to write out a list of 100 pros and 100 cons about myself. This was not meant to be an easy or a quick task, but I found half of it impossible. One list grew a lot more quickly than the other, because it is always easier to be critical than encouraging, even to oneself. I did get so far as "occasionally creative" and "always have my nails done" and "uncanny sense of grammar" and "able to make people laugh." I even managed to write "types really fast" and "can draw a little" and "decent writer." But there really weren't many more things I could think to add to that pros list. Meanwhile, the cons list was quite easy: "worrywart, repetitive, seriously messed-up relationship history, too talky/interrupts too much, phobic about being in front of anyone, doesn't keep up with housework, a financial mess, bites off more than I can chew, sometimes a control freak, too glued to my own traditions, rants too much and is very opinionated"...to name a few. I told a friend about this, and she wisely said: "Problem is you see them as negative. You have gorgeous hair and eyes. You are strong. Believe me, you are! You are a gifted writer, and sensitive..." She went on to counteract all my other negative assumptions about me: "Worry: concerned about the future. Repetitive: informative. Relationship history: experience. Phobic about being in front of people: shy/humble. Doesn't keep up with housework: creative. Financial mess: we all are! Bites off more than she can chew: ambitious. Sometimes a control freak: a person who can accomplish a great deal. Too glued to my own traditions: loyal. Rants too much: opinionated/knows her own mind..." She told me I need to get over myself and set myself aside and ask God to show me what He sees in me. 


That little Facebook chat happened way back in April, basically an eternity ago, the way time flies, but I haven't forgotten it, and I know she is right. I find it very difficult to do this, and it is something I am working on, but one thing I've also noticed is that God finds ways to remind me that I am not as lost a cause as I perceive myself to be. Often, this is through the very kind words of people who see something in me that I do not see in myself. I have trouble taking (and especially believing) compliments, yet I am often showered with them, like unexpected gems turning up in my day, and these touch me so much. I am warmed by the people who say these things to me, but at a deeper level, I also know God is speaking to me through them. No matter how bad I beat myself up, there are those who encourage me along the way. In just the last twenty-four hours, I've seen/heard:

"You are doing a great job of supporting you and cissy and you are an inspiration to people like you. Keep up the good work." ~ W.P.
 
"She also loves you as a good friend and thinks quite highly of you!!" ~ J.N.
 
"You are important to so many of us!" ~ J.H.
 
"I feel as if God is getting ready to do a great thing here - and you are a wonderful part of that process." ~ T.P.

Pride is not good, but we must all have some confidence in ourselves and work on seeing the real value that we have in God's eyes and in the eyes of others. Today, I am so thankful for the kind things so many say to me on a daily basis, and it is my prayer that I will learn to be less self-critical and to give thanks for the good things and the gifts He has built into me. Only then I will be more effective at using those attributes to make a difference in my own life and the lives of others, instead of being a stumbling block to myself. It's time I fan-girl over myself once in a while, because God is the president of my fan club (no matter how many flaws I have)!