Snipers and Storms

Perhaps it is hormonal. Perhaps I'm just insane. Perhaps I'm too much of a wimp. Perhaps I'm just letting life get the better of me. Perhaps I'm too hard on myself. Perhaps I'm making mountains out of molehills. Perhaps I haven't enough faith that God is bigger than the bogeymen. Perhaps I am my own worst saboteur. Whatever it is, last night and even into today, it feels as if the Bermuda Triangle has taken up residence in my crazy head.I hate when I get like this, but it is not unfamiliar territory. I have never been sentenced to a rubber room or a straightjacket, so it isn't that serious, but there are times when I feel as if it is simply all too much and my head is caving in on me; it is almost paralyzing, and it makes me loathe myself. This is one of those times.There is no one particular reason. No big event or trauma has happened to trigger it. I just feel swallowed up and overwhelmed and as if I can't possibly kick my legs hard enough to swim in the ever-rising waters around me. Yes, I'm whining. Yes, I'm feeling defeated. Yes, I'm angry at myself for whining and feeling defeated. It's as if there are snipers aiming for me, and while I've always known they are there, they've suddenly crawled out of the trees and are in plain sight, smirking as they aim their weapons at me.

I truly believe that it is something hormonal or chemical that has me feeling this way sometimes, coupled with an enemy who is very good at playing on my vulnerabilities. I also know I am not alone in having occasional mental tsunamis. Like many, I am bombarded with work and deadlines that seem humanly impossible. I am struggling to meet regular expenses and daily needs occasionally, but at the same time, things like settling my divorce, helping pay for Mom's headstone, paying back debts to people who have helped me immensely, saving up for a new car, lowering my tax debt, and even some pet and healthcare issues are also looming just above the regular in-box of bills. God provides - always, in some way or another - but as a mere human, I cannot help feeling more than a little burdened by these financial snipers aiming at me. It tends to make one more than a little nervous, not to mention that it's extremely hard on one's self-esteem and crippling to one's ego. Not that I have much of an ego, but I'd at least like to feel as if, at 44, I can at least take care of myself and my kiddo and a few extraordinary expenses that come along. We are not starving, nor homeless, nor carless, nor naked. We even have dogs and electronics and Internet and sometimes go out and have a little fun. MANY generous people have helped us along the way. The fact is, we're doing much better than many in the world who are struggling for even the barest of essentials, but I still feel very anxious about debts and necessities, especially those that are somewhat urgent or seem too incomprehensibly impossibly enormous.

In our scripture readings on Sunday mornings, Preacher has been reading Job. We all know his story, right? The man who lost everything except his faith? The man who struggled more than most of us ever will in our lifetime? The man who was plagued with pain and loss that scarred him physically and even emotionally, for no seemingly logical reason at all? Job convicts me, because even amidst the very tangible and visible storms around him, even when an entire army of snipers was not only pointing at him but firing, he did not let go of God. In fact, he clung to the good Lord all the time, especially when he had no one else to cling to, even when the people who knew him mocked him for doing so. I pondered Job's predicament last night in bed when the storms began to rage in my head, when I felt as if all these snipers were climbing out of the trees. I pondered Job, and I pondered another Bible story, one that contains three little words that carry huge meaning for stormy-headed people like me today: "Peace. Be still."

Last night as I pondered these things, I wept a little. I wrapped my old quilt around me like a little girl trying to hide from lightning and thunder. I snuggled up with my Maggie and sniffled into her fur, taking whatever comfort I could from her warm little doggie hug and warm, pink-tongued kisses. Then I prayed. My prayer was simple: "God, there is a violent, turbulent storm in my head tonight. The waves feel too big, and I fear I am drowning. Please calm the waves. Please calm my storm." For anyone who suffers from worry or anxiety or occasional freak-outs beneath life's burdens, this prayer is essential. He said "Peace. Be still" in His Word, and as far as I know, He nor His Word ever changes. He can still calm the waves, and many times, He is the only One Who can.

I am still uneasy and a bit unsettled today, but I can take some solace in knowing that in the midst of the hurricanes that drum up in my head, that in the midst of the devil luring all my snipers out to mock me, I have Someone to go to - the very Someone who commands the most turbulent of seas. No, I did not wake up this morning with $5,000 on my nightstand to take care of all my money issues. No, there was not a matching set of shiny new Corollas in the driveway for Cissy and me. No, my divorce is not filed or finalized yet. No, I do not yet have any idea how I'm paying the two urgent utility bills next week or ordering my ridiculously overpriced license plate sticker before September. No, I cannot go on a giant grocery shopping spree and fill our freezers and cabinets with a year's worth of calorie-friendly goodies. No, I cannot yet pay back those I am indebted to, people I love dearly. But what I do have is a God Who hears me in the storms, a Friend who understands me when I am too upset and overwhelmed to even utter words. I have the very same God who sustained Job through it all and brought him out on the other side of storms and snipers far more difficult than any I am facing...and that is priceless!