Still Doing That Bible Thing

Recently, a past acquaintance of mine said to me, "So...are you still doing that Bible thing?" When he asked me this, I was instantly offended. Something deep inside my Christian self wanted to scream at him to shut up, because it's not just a "thing." As I pondered these words after that conversation, though, my anger was redirected: The asker of this painfully convicting question was not the one to blame. He knew me when I did not appear to be "doing the Bible thing." If there is any blame in the sparking of such a remark, that blame is mine.

We all backslide from time to time. We are all prodigals every now and then. If we weren't, then we would all be Christ, and we know that is not the case, because we are human beings and are born in sin. We may not like it, and we may question why it is this way, but that is just the way it is, like it or not. However, as I look back on the last four decades of my strange and not-always-so-wonderful life, I see a couple of "very prodigal" seasons when poor judgment and poor decisions led me first down a very dark path and later down a very wrong path. I take full responsibility for this, because I knew better. The people surrounding me at the time did not always know better, but I did, so I am culpable. I cannot blame anyone for it but myself, anymore than that infamous corn husk-eating son could blame his father or his brother for his choices that ultimately led him to the low point of dine-with-swine. Not that I'm referring to any of my old acquaintances as swine, because that's taking the analogy too far, and that is not what I'm saying at all.

In what I call my "dark season," I was almost searching for the bottom of some deep, dark, never-ending pit. I did things this little Sunday school girl never thought she would do. I sank into the bottom of a bottle, practically disowned my wonderful family, did not care who wandered in and out of my home and my life, gave pieces of myself away that I will never, ever get back, and generally reached the point where I wished death would come and give me some reprieve from the remaining rubble of a life I'd managed to tear down in a matter of less than a year. I was consumed by guilt, and that only made it easier for me to seek out mind-numbing sins for some relief. Not once did I seek the wise counsel of my family and the Christian friends I'd grown up around. Not once did I darken the door of a church. Not once did I pull my old Bible out of the cedar chest in the corner of my lonely room. Not once, even during abuse and crime and horrible things going on around me, did I cry out to God for help out of the pigpen I'd crawled into. But somehow, someway, HE cried out to me on the last day I lived there, so loudly that I could have sworn I audibly heard Him. HE reminded me that He'd been there the whole time, no matter how deep and dark the hole I'd crawled into. HE said, "Autie, I have never, ever let you go, because you have been Mine since you were just a tot. Now quit this foolishness and step back into the place where you belong." And I did. It was not easy, and I had a LOT of consequences to deal with, wounds that had to have time to scar over, and even an addiction I had to let go of. I had to seek forgiveness and re-acceptance of my family and church, and I was suddenly a new mom, tasked with raising a little girl all by myself. Even then, He held on to me, and because He held on, I got through it and found the light again.

Fast-forward a few years, and I once again fell short of the glory of God, so to speak, when some sort of boredom or midlife crisis or something just snapped inside me. I cannot explain it, and it is embarrassing to recall, but I again made a very poor decision that would ultimately take me down a wrong path, even if it wasn't as dark as the one I'd tread before. Long before that decision was made, I was already crumbling and weakening inside, giving in to some old, harmful habits, even if I wasn't sure why. This person who asked me this unwittingly offensive question the other day knew me at a time when I was not living the life God wants me to live. Yes, I prayed daily, but those prayers were whispered and not all that genuine, more a matter of routine than anything else, since I've been saved since I was a little girl, and praying is what saved people are supposed to do. Yes, when blessings and miracles came our way, which has undeservedly happened often, even in the darkest places I've traveled to, I silently muttered half-hearted thanks to the Master of Blessings. Yes, I went to church once in every blue moon, but it was not really for any reason other than doing the "right thing" or seeing my relatives, and my heart and ears were not always in it. Yes, I still owned the ten or twelve Bibles that are in my house now, but I read Facebook posts more often than I ever rustled those precious pages. I did not hang up anything in my home that referred to God or His blessings. I did not audibly praise Him or pray. I did not read my Bible openly or dare to watch overtly Christian shows or listen to Christian music of any kind in my home. I condoned and even participated in things that used to repulse me, and I never stood up for the beliefs that reside deep down at my core, beliefs that are founded in the Bible I know is true. I have never been a prude or stuffy or strict, but I had let go of the reins almost completely, and my spiritual life was running amok. I was not happy with myself or my circumstances and knew I was not being a godly mother, but I tried to make the best of it for a while. Over time, I began to change again, back into what I believe I am truly supposed to be, because God never let go, even when I tried to shove Him away.

Now, I am trying to do better. I still worry about many things (as you've all seen quite vividly). I still struggle with trusting God and definitely with trusting my own judgment. I still harbor great guilt over my past and struggle with forgiving myself for my dark and wrong paths and the consequences thereof, many of which I may have to contend with forever. I am still angry at myself for hurting people and burning bridges. What I am most upset about is that I was so double-minded and unsettled and such a poor testimony to those around me during those prodigal seasons. I hurt and let down myself, my family, my daughter, and my Christian friends, but I let down the unsaved around me too, whether they know it or not, because rather than being the person I am supposed to be, I tried to act like I was "one of them," and I even tried to convince myself that I could simultaneously belong to God and the world. I forgot (or stubbornly refused to believe) that God ALWAYS holds on to His own, no matter what. I did not mean to fool anyone by acting like a person I was truly not, and in the end, the biggest fool of all was me. I pray every day now that God will forgive me for faltering in this way, and I pray that those who have crossed my path in the past and seen only my dark and wrong sides will somehow, someday cross paths with someone else who will be brave enough to show them what I should have shown them during our time together. Now, I don't hide that light from anyone, not even my unsaved friends.

So, yes, I am "still doing that Bible thing," and I am doing it stronger and with more fervor and true faith than, perhaps, any other time in my life. My church, my family, my pastor, my Christian (and even some non-Christian) friends, my clientele, and even my wise-and-faithful-beyond-her-years daughter are all helping me on this path. These days, with all that is going on in this insanely immoral and unethical world that lacks even common sense, this is not easy. I will never, ever be perfect, I make mistakes and sin every day in thought and deed, and I know I will make more than one bad decision before I pop my clogs in a day or a week or a month or a year or a decade or two. I cannot erase the past, but what I can do is keep "doing the Bible thing" from here on out - because I've learned the hard way that all other things we can do in life, all that struggling we might do to free ourselves of His never-ending, loving, safety-ensuring grasp will only lead to pain and regret, for us and all those around us.

P.S. I am still struggling this week with finances and some business worries, but I have been very blessed today by the kindness of my wonderful clientele! Many have said they will pray for me, and most are passing my name around. This has resulted in a bit of interest from potential new clients. One client paid me $10 to edit one sentence, "just to help me out," as he put it, and I was surprised a bit ago when another of my past client sent me a rather sizable financial gift and simply said, "Thanks for all your great work in the past." I often question if I did the right thing by leaving my cubicle to do this job for myself, but God has blessed me with the chance to meet so many wonderful people through my work!