Are You Out There, Mr. Neon?

Here's a little something you probably already know about me: Sometimes, I'm a very lonely person. This is not really as pathetic as it sounds, and it isn't meant as some grand complaint. Much of my loneliness is self-inflicted, as I don't trust my own judgment enough to get too close to anyone, and I live inside the bubble of my everyday life and work, without very often reaching out. I'm not agoraphobic, but I'm certainly not a socialite. I do love people, and I enjoy going out to do things, so it is not really a matter of being some hateful old boring Scrooge either. In fact, I love experiencing new things, seeing the sights, trying new restaurants, visiting new places, laughing and hanging out, and just having fun. Maybe my version of "fun" is a bit different than the modern idea of it. Forget the clubs, bars, and parties, as I'd much rather hang out with a few close people and lose my voice cheering for the local boys when they perform a perfectly practiced pile-driver. I enjoy spending three hours digging through debris and risking poison ivy and ticks to find a tiny slip of paper inside a pill bottle in the woods. I love going to church on Sunday mornings and to early afternoon matinees at the theater on Tuesdays after lunch. I even love scavenging thrift stores and yard sales or thumbing through Netflix for corny horror films or sitting and talking to my grandparents for hours or dancing around like a fool to my mom's old records, riding rollercoasters and watching fireworks and seeing Christmas lights. The point is that I can have fun, and I enjoy making memories with people when I can. The loneliness I feel tends to hit me the most when I'm actually enjoying things and wish I had someone to enjoy those things with. My loneliest moments are the ones I want to share with someone and have no one to share them with. I felt this way this year while sitting at the Memorial Day Parade, wishing I had a hand to hold, as ridiculously corny as that sounds.

I suppose if I am to define my loneliness, what I really lack is a life companion, someone who really "gets" me or at least wants to. I realize this sounds quite self-involved, like something a typical fourteen-year-old would say about her dream boyfriend. I certainly don't claim to be so mysterious or unique or intriguing or interesting or suggest that there are layers upon layers to discover about Autumn Conley, but like everyone else, I have my quirks, my priorities, my past, my faults, my preferences, and a whole set of annoying and exasperating tendencies and odd tastes. Every human being is a mishmash of these things, and I'm no different, but I have come to realize that only a few people in my life have had the wherewithal to deal with being very close to me. For one thing, I am a constant worrier, tend to repeat stories, like to talk too much, obsess over things, am definitely not a good cook or the best housekeeper, and tend to live in a state of seemingly immature daze and confusion that is well below my years. For another, on many, many occasions in life, I have not been myself, and I have acted merely as a puppet, a person I thought people wanted and expected me to be. Nowadays, though, I'm finally coming to terms with who I am, and even at forty-four years into my life, statistically a little more than halfway through it, I do sometimes feel a bit disappointed that I may never meet anyone who can accept me for who I truly am and for what I truly have to offer. I am still trying to understand and accept myself, and I know firsthand that it will take a very special kind of person to be able to put up with me. I live with Autie every day, and I know that's no picnic.

Generally, I am fine being alone, with just me and my kiddo. I know it is not the ideal family situation, but I am okay with being a single mom, and I have never really felt alone in that regard, because I have family and a God who have helped me through the journey of motherhood. Sometimes, though, I do miss having a circle of people around me like I did in my twenties. I often wish I had someone around to laugh with me at the jokes that only I seem to get, someone who equally enjoys listening to horrible nineties music, someone who can watch Twin Peaks reruns for the umpteenth time and still love it, someone who would chuckle at my puns and sarcasm and cynicism and appreciate certain little things about me that no one else seems to notice. I sometimes long for someone to just be there when I'm having a bad day, someone who knows what I want for Christmas or my birthday without ever having to ask, someone who senses what's troubling me before I even say it. The mushy, romantic side of me wishes for someone to take me out on those dates I've never been on. Maybe more importantly, I long for someone who needs me to do all these things for him too; for me, a big part of feeling lonely has to do with having no one to give my love and affection and support and companionship to.

I know God hates divorce, and I am the first to admit that while I am in the midst of trying to come up with the fees to finalize mine, I struggle a great deal with guilt over the matter. I was not a perfect wife or even a good one, was not the best person I could be during that marriage, and I did not invest proper time, thought, or prayer in deciding to marry in the first place. I have sought forgiveness from God in regard to this, but I struggle to forgive myself for all my shortcomings in that relationship, which I believe was really doomed from the outset. I am doing my best to cope with regret and guilt and logistics and expenses in the wake of that now, and it is quite painful and embarrassing at times. I also know, though, that God does not hate divorcees, and I know many second-time-around couples who are happy and grateful to the good Lord for helping them find the right one in the end. I look up to these couples, people who found the right spouse after losing or having to let go of the wrong ones, and I have to believe that maybe - just maybe - God still has a right companion out there for me, some soulmate He has built just for me and will send to me when the time is right.

Here is the key though: I do not have to have a human companion, a so-called "other half," because I already have the most perfect Companion there is. No Christian is ever truly alone, because the One who knows every detail about us, even things we have not yet discovered about ourselves and even those things we try to hide from everyone we know, is always with us, every moment, accepting us and encouraging us, supporting us through the thin and blessing us in the thick, smiling with us in the good times, laughing with us at our happy memories, and comforting us through the not-so-good times and the memories and regrets that sting. If there is a Mr. Next out there for me, he will only be Mr. Right if the God Who knows me so well sends him my way. This is a lesson I have learned the hard way, and I have hurt myself and a lot of people in the process, which is something I greatly regret. My future relationship, if I am to be blessed with one, will not be easy due to the scars and damage I have caused by my poor relationship decisions in the past, but I am relying on God to send the right one my way, if there is to be one at all. I refer to this possible person as "Mr. Neon," because I semi-jokingly tell myself - and mention to God in my prayers - that he had better come with a neon sign above his head that says, "This is the one!" I refuse to make another bad decision, but for the record, I hope the good Lord remembers that I'm a sucker for sad, puppy dog brown eyes and someone who won't look at me oddly when I nibble the orange edges off my muenster cheese before I eat the middle.

Whether I end up a so-called old maid (if I'm not classed as that already) or with Mr. Neon by my side, I've got family who loves me, a few good friends who understand me (which may suggest that they need to seek immediate counseling themselves), and a God who will never, ever desert me, no matter how exasperating I get. I get lonely, yes, but I am not alone, and that is something I can finally accept with a smile on my face, whether God intends for me to be single or not. In the meantime, I will be happy for the company I do have, and I will work on myself, to become the best woman I can and the woman God wants me to be, just in case it turns out that I'm someone's Miss Neon!