"Do not be anxious about anything..." Yeah, yeah. I KNOW!

DISCLAIMER: Yes, I know Philippians 4:6-7 by heart and recite it often. Unfortunately, my head is often louder than my recitations. Also, I've never been "officially diagnosed" with anything and will avoid prescription antidepressants like the plague I believe they are unless I have absolutely no other option. That said...

I hate anxiety. It makes me...well, anxious. It is something I've always suffered with, and while I realize that much of it is something I need to work harder on controlling myself, I also believe some people - including me and others in my family - can have a propensity to suffer from physiological issues/weaknesses that only exacerbate normal stress and worries. Maybe I'm just a weakling and a wimp, but either way - whether it's all nature, all nurture, or a little of both in this case - I hate how what-ifs that might be fleeting for others seem to take root and grow into catastrophic, illogical, world-crushing oh-no's in my head. This is how I feel today, for no particular reason at all.

I'm kinda-sorta down in the dumps, definitely feeling down on myself for everything from my neglected to-do list to my financial woes to my in-box to my crippled diet willpower to my roadkill hair, and I feel worried about something I cannot even put a finger on. It manifests as almost a physical feeling. I have trouble sleeping at night, concentrating during the daytime, and feel nervous and nauseous, as if I've swallowed a bowling ball. Prayer, journaling, talking, and a little St. Johns Wort and homeopathics do help, but I always get a bit uneasy at the start of a new week. The fear of the unknown quite literally makes me sick, and like everyone else in the world, I have no idea what the next seven days will bring. I've also been a bit emotionally raw lately, with Mom's passing (especially this morning, while writing thank-you notes after her funeral services), as well as another "emotionally charged" issue I don't really wish to talk about but cannot wait to put behind me.

I don't know why I felt compelled to share this, to whine so much on my blog, but somehow, even on a blog that might never be read, it helps to talk about it. Unfortunately for people like my sister, bro-in-law, brother, daughter, Brit buddy, and even my poor dogs, I talk about it far too often, obsessing insanely over my obsessive, insane worries about imagined scenarios that haven't even happened yet. I hate that I am so annoying and "emo" sometimes, a real bother to those whose ears I pummel with my worries, but I am grateful that I have people who listen to me. Even if my social circle is only about the diameter of a Skittle (and not a yellow one, mind you, as that's just more anxiety because I so loathe the color), I am grateful that the little circle of people I do have are willing to tolerate me and put up with me. I'm pretty sure they get tired of talking me off ledges, reminding me that all things work together for good and that God has my back, and telling me to put my big-girl panties on and be strong. I get tired of me daily, so I completely understand.

In any case, it is a new week, and I do have some fun/good things I am hoping/planning to do. First, work - and lots of it. I have a lot of catch-up to do, and I'll do my best at it. Amidst that, we will be taking the kiddos (Cissy and Logan) out to practice driving, I may hide/find a geocache or two this week, I'm getting back on my calorie-counting regimen, I was informed yesterday that I must visit my grandparents for an afternoon (Grandma Miesse insisted and said Grandpa has missed me, which makes me smile), I will meet my new fur-niece, Juno, when my sister picks her up, and there is housework and yardwork to tend to here. I have bills to pay, rent to gather, and organizing to figure out. If I am able, I may be taking my daddy to Jurassic Park for a late Father's Day present (as uber-buttery popcorn and CGI dino-carnage can serve as a remedy for many things in life), and I will be heading to the Ramar Estates sale on Saturday to search for a few bargains, since it's my favorite neighborhood garage sale in this area and I'd hate to miss it. Yes, I am nervous about the same-old, same-old money issues and other stresses, but this week won't be all bad if any bad at all, and I'm thankful for every new day.