More Rainbows than Clouds

It is Tuesday, eight days after we lost my mom. It seems, in some odd way, as if it happened longer ago than that. Last week was a blur, but not all in a bad way. I truly, truly believe that in that week, God granted me strength I have never felt before in the face of any adversity; typically, something as small as a gas bill or some stupid announcement on the Facebook trending bar can get me so emotionally charged that I am in a ranting rage or a tearful, sobbing mess. Somehow, when we lost Mom, I was okay. Maybe it is because we all felt we lost her long ago. Maybe it is because, as Pastor Dave so wisely acknowledged, she is freer now than she could ever be from all the ravages of a mortal body and a sinful world. Maybe it is because I have so many fond memories of her to cherish, so many great lessons to live by because of her. Maybe it is because I was reminded last week of just how blessed I am to have such an amazing family and group of people who really, truly care about us. Maybe it is because, in losing my mama, I have found pieces of myself that I have missed. I am pretty sure it is for all these reasons that I didn't entirely crumble and collapse last week, even in the silent, dark, lonely nights. The tears I did shed and still occasionally do have been more sweet than bitter, and I hope my mom is smiling down at me now, seeing that her usual crybaby of a daughter has somehow found a strength I never knew was possible. Life usually destroys me, but her life and her passing have somehow begun to rebuild something in me, and I think that is wonderful. I thank God and my mom for this rejuvenation I feel springing up in me, and I hope to make some positive changes and to tie up some loose ends that have been holding me back.

So now, life goes on. Last night, after visiting the funeral home far too quickly again to bid a farewell to a sweet church friend who passed away, dear Leda Kasparek, who once made the most beautiful flower girl dress in the world for my four-year-old, a woman who always had a smile and sweet words for everyone, I was invited to go out to dinner with a few old church friends and a couple new ones. It was a great time in Yellow Springs at Williams Eatery. I truly love trying new restaurants, and I don't get out much, so the food and conversation were soothing to me as I try to ease back to normal. We laughed, we ate, and we talked about everything--from one of them being a serial killer's former classmate to all the celebrities who have come from our area, like Rod Serling and Dave Chappell. We devoured tasty things like fish and chips and three-cheese-and-bacon grilled sandwiches and Papas Rellena (Who knew it'd be so delish to stuff raisins, olives, and beef inside a potato?) We scrunched up our noses at my sister's stories about avocado cake. We even giggled at ourselves for staring at our gadgets during dinner, something we're always yelling at our kids about. It was nice to get out, and while I really couldn't afford it, I couldn't afford not to either. My mom loved people, and one of the things I need to change in my life is to make sure I am enjoying others while I still have the chance. Truly, laughter is the best medicine, and it's so much sweeter when it is shared.

It is not easy to get back to normal though, and it will require a great deal of caffeination, if I'm being honest. There was a deep closeness last week, all of us hunkering together to comfort one another. Now, it's back to work and worry and bills and housework and laundry and all the things that have to be done. I tried to work a lot last week but simply could not concentrate the way my work demands, so now I have a pretty topsy-turvy in-box that I'm doing my best to tackle; this is a blessing and not at all a bad thing in a job that requires utter faith in God to send me the work I need to provide for us, but it can be daunting as well. Thank goodness I have the world's most understanding and patient clientele! Please pray for me in this regard!

As I ponder this whole "getting back to normal" thing, though, I realize that it is not enough. I want my life now to be better than the normal I have known before, especially over the last decade or so. Today, I am going to go over and babysit my baby neffies so my sister can go to her doctor appointment. I love them dearly, and I bask in the welcoming smiles and hugs of baby Jacob, who always grins when he sees "Aunt Hottie" (though I secretly think he only likes me because I'm always wearing "bling" that he can tug on and because he is fascinated by my glue-on claws). I have spent many of the last years fretting over this and that, missing the blessings by allowing them to be overshadowed by burdens, and I don't want to do that any longer. Some days are busy and difficult, and it seems there are not enough hours in them, but in those hours, I want to appreciate the small things rather than worrying so much about the hurdles. That is what I'm going to try to do today. I may be backlogged with work and consumed by substantial money worries (as usual), but at the same time, on this particular Tuesday, I get to spend a little time with two little men who are very special to me, and I can smile about that. Life is not all clouds and storms. Sometimes, there are rainbows or soft, lullabying rains that warm and sooth us, and I want to start taking more delight in that! My mom would have wanted me to see more rainbows than clouds, so I need to start looking for them.