The last couple days have been relatively uneventful for me, just the same-old, same-old routine of trying to catch up on work. CONFESSION**: I have failed miserably at doing that...as well as many other things. Unfortunately, while my body and 120-wpm-typing fingers have been properly positioned for work (i.e., butt on the couch and hands on the keyboard), my mind has been on a little vacation to A.D.D.-Ville. I have narrowed this down to three major misbehaviors on my part, and I am trying to do something about them. (**Disclaimer: I realize that we all have a direct line of
confession to God Himself, and it doesn't require Wi-Fi, a blog, a
postage stamp, or stepping into some phone booth-like structure to talk
to an old guy in a bathrobe through a screen, but this is for
accountability and to put my faults in print so I will be more inclined
to do something about it. We don't always have to air our dirty laundry,
but it sometimes helps to take the stink out.) PROBLEM 1. Social Networking is My Social Life (Namely, Zuckerturf, aka Facebook)
I haven't any social life to speak of, and on most days of the week, the only real, live human being I audibly speak to is my daughter (and occasionally myself, but that's a whole other blog). My three little dogs also occasionally lend their six floppy ears, but they don't have much to say in response, other than the occasional snort or pink-tongued lick-fest. Thus, my only "social" outlet is the good ol' Interwebs. I'm SOOOOO glad Al Gore invented it, or else I'd have no social life at all! My best of besties started off as a snail-mail penpal through a really nerdy group called Transatlantic Pen Friends back in 1997. He lives in the UK, so these days, I chat to him nearly daily on Facebook. I've made another friend, of sorts, recently, and we've been getting to know each other better via chat as well; I have a bad case of social anxiety and am not one to pass out my phone number or go out for coffee until I know someone very, very well. I also talk to church friends, relatives, and even some clients this electronic way. The chatting isn't the bad and interruptive part though. While I am on there talking to friends and fam, a major A.D.D. problem arises because I inevitably see something on the trending bar or a post or a comment or a photo or this or that that sends my mind and fingers flying and clicking. I go from saving a diet cupcake recipe to liking the pics of someone's puppy to watching vids to liking memes. Because it is my social circle, I feel some strange sort of obligation to give everyone my two cents on everything they post - or at least my thumbs-up. MY SOLUTION: A three-day Facebook posting hiatus. I will still use the chat feature, as it is how I keep in touch on my phone and lappy, but I will not like/comment/post/update/reply/etc. anything till Sunday. May sound like an easy task, but it just plain isn't when one is such a Facebookaholic.PROBLEM 2. An Insatiable Need for Ranting and Raving
The world is a freaking mess, at least from my perspective as a relatively conservative Christian here in the States. I'm no prude. In fact, I almost quoted Beck's "I'm a Loser" at the beginning of this post because all this behind-ness does have me feeling like a "termite choking on a splinter," even if I have no inclination to do any "gettin' crazy with the Cheeze Whiz." See? I still recall some alternative rock lyrics! GASP! That said, there are SO MANY issues going on in this country and the world as a whole, issues that are foundational and crumbling age-old societal acceptances. I cannot say one good thing about our so-called president. I stand for traditional marriage, as a result of my conscience and my faith, and I get lividly angry when we are forbidden from having the same free speech as other groups, when we are pegged -ists or -phobes simply for disagreeing with the status quo. Celebrity Tweeting nonsense, kidnappings and abductions, riots over the Confederate flag when our own is openly trampled and torn down, ISIS, ebola and outbreaks and recalls for egg allergens, Hellary Clinton and her evil schemes and email shenanigans, abortion debates, shootings in churches, the criminalization of all police based on a few cases, sabotaging of our right to bear arms and demonizing anyone who wishes to fight for it, etc. and companies irritating me with poor customer service or unethical behavior... Considering that I am not one to hold my tongue, especially at the keyboard, I could easily spend an entire day commenting and replying on sites like Chicks on the Right (whom I just contacted about a regular writing job, which may give me a forum for productive ranting!) or moaning and groaning about everything from gross bladder leakage commercials to laughable "customer service" at AT&T and Dish to the endless flow of unnecessary movie remakes by Generation Regurgitation. My brain is always on red alert, it seems, constantly irritated by trending and so-called "news" that is really just a sad statement of the world's quick decay. Not to sound negative or emo, but it's enough to have a girl's head spinning worse than the pea soup-spitting Linda Blair. MY SOLUTION: That same Facebook posting hiatus will solve much of this and stop me from ranting novel-length postings and then replying to the replies they generate. I love nothing more than a good war of the words, but I need to step away from it for a while to regain some peace of mind.
One of the problems I have is that I never really take a break from my work or worries. Even when I manage to get out, I don't let go mentally. I am overrun by guilt for stepping away, even to do something as necessary as running errands or eating lunch or going to the bathroom. One should not have a guilt complex for a potty break or sleeping at night like a normal person, but I begin to feel anxious that if I don't stay in high gear all the time, I'm going to end up fired and/or homeless or worse. The trouble is, if we stay in high gear, the engine burns out. My mental engine is in far worse shape than my old Corolla's, and to be bluntly honest about it, I've felt burned out for quite some time, struggling to juggle life and work and maintain any sanity. Today, one of my astonishingly patient clients, a brilliant Christian writer, sent me a brilliantly written email. He wrote (slightly corrected, as that is in my nature and kind of what he pays me for): "This might sound silly, but it works for me. If/when I push too hard, I lose more creativity and passion because of the trauma. I've learned to 'take a hike.' This is the silly part: Before I start, I [say] a short prayer and ask God to clear my mind, to have some angels who understand writing walk and sing with me. [I] then really lean into a tough walk, about two miles. When I get back, out of breath and sweating, I have such clarity, passion, and creativity. I can write up to 5K in a single setting, far more than trying to push it on my own." I won't give away this brilliant man's name here, but his words really spoke to me (just as his book has been). Now, while I'm not about to go on any two-mile trek on foot (I'm far too lazy for that!), I do live in a tiny, quiet town, with a beautiful 1800s cemetery as my neighbor. I have three dogs who don't get out enough and a daughter I need to spend some disconnected quality time with, when we're not staring at our gadgets or plagued by the underlying hum of electronics, so... MY SOLUTION: Rather than working myself into mind-numbing oblivion that actually detracts from my productivity and efficiency rather than enhancing it, I need to follow God's lead and this wise client's advice and take a break every once in a while to rest and rejuvenate my mind. A short hike in the fresh air every now and then will be as good for my head as it is for my thighs, and it won't cost me a cent.
These three problems (and more) have stolen the joy from my work and my life, and they are complicated by the guilt and regret that I have allowed them to swallow me up while still not accomplishing what I need to accomplish. I do feel like I have hit some sort of proverbial wall, but as I told my sister yesterday, the thing about a wall is that there is some sort of opening on the other side, and we must only keep pushing forward and climbing, and trying to get beyond it in whatever way we can. My wall is built of worry, procrastination, anxiety, financial distress, work overload, backlog, emotional distress, fatigue, fear, and burnout - none of which are God-given - but I am hoping and praying that these small solutions will make a positive difference. 
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