Thank Goodness God's More Patient than the BMV

I am always amazed (and shouldn't be) when God answers prayers I don't expect Him to answer (which is horrible) in ways I never would have imagined He can or will (again, horrible). Yesterday, I received such a blessing, when a friend/client heard about a problem I've been having that would gravely affect my work and likely put me out of business, even for a time, and he stepped in to help. It is not the first time he has helped me in such an unimaginable, huge, incomprehensibly generous way, but that does not make it any less amazing and spectacular. The best part about it is what he said when I asked him why. He simply said, "Because you're my friend...and you have to have a good computer to do your job! You are worth a lot to me. Shoot, you make me look good, sound good, etc.! However, I do it because it helps you to be your best too." His final words in our conversation were simple ones: "Stay positive. Jesus loves you." Not only that, but encouraging words from friends like Yuki and Bobbie and Wes and my sister have meant the world to me this week in a stressful time, and this is a blessing all its own. In other great news, a communication I've been dreading arrived and was not negative as I expected it to be. On top of that, another client brightened my day this morning with this feedback on his editing: "I am in awe. It took awhile to get through all of the notes. Your word choices fit so well. My backward use of grammar is highlighted as well. What you must think of me! Now I can proceed, to boldly go where no fantasy has gone before.  How can a humbled author express his gratitude? I hope and pray for you, that your journey as a Christian editor be as fruitful and delightful as those works which you have edited. I am truly humbled and blessed. I've always wondered what power added to power would look like and now I know. Many thanks, and God bless you." ~ T.P.

This is a hard week. I am struggling severely with finances, praying night and day that God will work something out to help me with this. Work has slacked off a bit during the summer months, but I suppose that does give me a chance to catch up on my backlog, which has been yet another answer to prayer, as the last year has been something of a haze and has made it difficult for me to concentrate; I admit that I have allowed distractions, from within and without, to cause me to procrastinate, and this has landed me in some hot water with some clients and made me very angry at myself in the process, as efficiency and hard work have always been part of who I am. I feel as if I am trying to climb out of a rut, financially and work-wise, but as I'm trying to climb, I'm also worried about everything falling out from under me, and I pray night and day that this will not be the case. I have rent and bills and taxes to pay, groceries to buy, clients to please, messes to clean up, loose ends to tie up, and some letting go and moving on to do, and I don't feel I'm doing a very good job of any of these. I have no idea how, if, or when I'll get a handle on any of this, and when I allow myself to think about it, I feel so overwhelmed and frightened that I literally feel pain in my stomach and my heart begins to beat like a high school marching band.

Nevertheless, God stepped in yesterday and blessed me in a big way through a kind and generous person who owes me nothing. God sent me advice and consoling words from many. This morning, my work was validated by such a kind message from one of the people I work for. Even though these blessings do not take care of all my material problems this week, it is a reminder that people and God do care, that I am not alone or forgotten or neglected, that some do appreciate me and the work I try to do, and that even when things seem as if they are falling apart, all the pieces are held in almighty hands, hands that know far better about putting the puzzle together than I do.

A good friend told me yesterday that I need to ask God for forgiveness for having such shaky faith, for praying to Him without truly believing or expecting Him to answer in the way and the time that is best for me. A little tough love, maybe, but thank you, Yuki, because you are RIGHT! I always frame my meltdowns with, "Deep down, I know God is looking out for me, but..." Not to be crass, but I'm pretty sure God gets tired of my buts. Maybe all of this money mayhem I've been through lately has been meant to teach me a few things. For starters, I need to be more responsible and focused on my work. For another, God does provide. Sometimes He provides the money on time. Sometimes, He provides the patience and understanding granted to me by my clients, my landlord, my creditors. Sometimes, He provides a change in circumstances that lessen the burden on me. But He always has and always DOES provide, in the way that is best for me, at the time that is right, and all while trying to teach me a few things in the process. This is something I am trying to grasp. It is not easy to believe when I am a day out from rent and have a stack of bills the length of my arm. It is not easy when I take a look at my pile of work and responsibilities and have such a huge pile to conquer that I don't really have any idea which brick to start tearing into first. Nevertheless, my friend is right, and I need to have more faith, faith that goes beyond words. This year, this month, this week has been a major test of that faith, and I keep failing. The wonder of it all is that God is patient and merciful and just keeps letting me take the test over. I failed my driver's test four times when I was a kid, and even the BMV wasn't so kind about retakes, because those grouchy registrars gave me the stink-eye every time they had to go out on the road with me again. Thank goodness God is far more patient and loving than they were! I eventually got my license, so maybe I'll eventually find my faith too.

Nevertheless, please continue to pray for me, folks. I will work on it, but I fear losing things, particularly my home, my business, and my mind. It really boils down to money mostly, but there are other, deeper things - like letting go of my past, forgiving myself for failure, trying to make things right with clients and others, being a better mom, not crumbling beneath every stress, having a little faith in myself and my work, etc. - that I'm trying to deal with, too, things that have little to do with dead presidents. I covet your prayers for provision, peace, strength, clarity, joy, courage, wisdom, confidence, and all the other resources I need as I try to navigate my life and my business and my finances to more stable, less stressful places.